No More Mr. Nice Guy is a 2003 self-help book by Dr. Robert A. Glover in which he describes the so called “Nice guy Syndrome”. This syndrome is a condition where men seem always nice and try to avoid conflict.
Dr. Glover gives us the lowdown on Nice Guys – what they’re like and how they operate. Unfortunately, their approach to life is a recipe for disappointment and frustration. But don’t worry, later in the book he shows us how to break free of the Nice Guy Syndrome and adopt a healthier way of living.
Summary Read Time: Less than 5 minutes
Actual Book Length: 208
First Published in: 2003
Below is the detailed yet quick summary of the book:
Lesson 1: Reclaim Your Personal Power and Masculinity
If you find that you often act like a “nice guy” or put others’ needs before your own, it might be because you were raised to do so as a child. If you learned early on that it was more important to put others happiness before your own, you might have carried that mindset into your adult years. This can lead to feeling trapped in a job or relationship that doesn’t make you happy – and can even make you feel resentful. The good news is, by recognizing these patterns, you can take steps to change them. You don’t have to keep using the same old coping mechanisms from childhood – try something new and see how it feels!
Being honest with yourself is the first step to taking back your personal power. You need to be able to share your feelings and opinions openly, even if it means that some people will leave you. The people who care about you will value your thoughts and feelings, even if they don’t always agree with them. Accept that you can’t control or manage how others feel about you, and that you may face rejection or criticism from time to time.
To reclaim your masculinity is to reclaim your personal power. What being a man means differs from person to person, so it’s up to you to figure out what that means for you.
Lesson 2: Speak with Conviction
If you want to know if a man is too nice, pay close attention to how he speaks. A man who is too nice will often speak with little conviction or without any personality. He will avoid hurting your feelings or causing any conflict by saying what you want to hear instead of what he really believes.
Speaking with conviction is a powerful way to demonstrate to others that you know what you want and that you are confident in what you say. So, when someone asks you something, make sure that your words reflect your conviction.
Lesson 3: Have High Standards & Don’t Accept Second-Hand Behaviour
If you’re too nice to people, somebody will take advantage of you. Both men and women can take advantage of guys who try to be amiable all the time, so how can you prevent this from happening? The answer is to have higher standards for how people should treat you. Let people know what you expect from them and don’t settle for anything less.
It’s important to set high standards for yourself and others in order to avoid being too nice. If someone you’re interested in is constantly playing hard to get, you need to know your limit. If they consistently fall below your high standards, you should cut them off immediately. Use these standards in all areas of your life and don’t tolerate any behaviour that crosses the line or disrespects you.
Lesson 4: Don’t Hold Back & Speak When Necessary
Nice Guys often hold back from speaking their minds because they’re afraid of conflict and people not liking them. They also tend to filter their thoughts and stay quiet when they have something they want to say. The foundation of this is that Nice Guys find it scary when people don’t like them.
Avoiding self-expression is a huge problem because it prevents others from ever really knowing who you are. If you have something to say, say it. If you want to do something, do it. Don’t be afraid of what others might think of you – this fear should never hold you back from being yourself.
Lesson 5: Stop Fearing Confrontation
Many men allow themselves to be controlled by others, whether it’s women or other men. They’re scared of confrontation, so they allow themselves to be dominated. Imagine a bully in school who picks on a smaller child because he’s skinny and weak. What if one day the kid finally stands up to him and fights back? The bully is always looking for the easiest targets, and the skinny child in school is an easy target because he’s weaker. But if he shows enough courage to stand up to the bully, he becomes a more challenging target. The bully will eventually move to another Nice Guy.
It’s important to start embracing confrontation because it’s not as scary as it seems. When you learn to stand up for yourself, you’ll be surprised at how easy it is – even if it’s something as simple as disagreeing with other people’s opinions. This is you confronting your fears head-on.
Lesson 6: Prioritize Your Needs
Realize that only you are responsible for meeting your needs. Stop blaming and start acting. Be assertive about your needs, and get rid of any hidden agendas.
Openly communicate what you need from others, and be confident in yourself that you deserve to have your needs met. Never allow yourself to be a doormat or feel like a victim – this will only make it harder for you to get what you need from others. It helps if you are thankful for difficult situations. These circumstances are the ones that present a chance to grow as a person and learn for future circumstances.
Face your fears, express your feelings, and set boundaries. Don’t try to control things that are out of your control. Developing integrity will help you in life more than anything else.
Lesson 7: Choosing the Right Partner
One of the common mistakes made by Nice Guys is to choose a partner who needs considerable support. These partners often need help and want somebody to fix their lives for them. Nice Guys are attracted to problems and want to fix their partners. These relationships will allow him to show the world what a good boyfriend or husband he is. The motivation behind this is always the approval of others. Suppose you have been in an unhealthy relationship. In that case, you will know that this often stems from one partner seeking the approval of others.
You don’t need such partners. Don’t keep this mindset while looking for partners.
Lesson 8: Picking the Right Sex Mindset
You’ll need to change your mindset when it comes to sex. Though its not easy, once can follow the below guidelines to re-orient to the best approach.
- Do not fear about being sexual
- Get rid of shame and the habit of porn
- Get your needs met in terms of both quantity and quality
- Get comfortable being pleasured and communicate openly about it
- Never avoid conflict because you are scared to lose a sexual opportunity